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John Lewis is Not MLK, Fought Voting Rights of Poor in 2016

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MLK fought for voting rights. John Lewis fought against the voting rights of those who voted in the primaries. In 2016, in Puerto Rico and elsewhere, he supported a candidate that shut down polling stations to make it harder for people sympathetic to Bernie to vote. He supported a candidate that demonstrably, with supporting video evidence, physical evidence and witnesses, corrupted the DNC so even they had to admit the primaries were rigged to favor Hillary. He went against the voting rights of blacks and whites alike, for personal ambition. It doesn't matter what he was, or what Bernie once was, it is what happened in 2016, and it won't be forgotten.

Profile in Courage: Local Man Talks Shit About Trump in Liberal Enclave

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Dick Smegma, 26, took a courageous stand today by siding with the majority opinion in a deep blue state where everybody hates Trump. "I'm no hero," Smegma said humbly to a crowd of cheering Hillary supporters as they burned Trump in effigy. "But sometimes you have to be brave enough to dispense with the courage of your convictions, and side with whatever is popular with the crowd." At press time, Mr. Smega was last seen in a Trump rally talking all manner of shit about Clinton.

Council of Uninformed Neurotic Television Stars (CUNTS) Finally Changes Name

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But it's still unwatchable.

CNN’s Best

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Oh that Jim Acosta, bless his heart, he thinks he's people! Look how he barks at the President-Elect.

Wikileaks: Mexican Drug Kingpin, El Chapo, Donated 15M to Clinton Foundation

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The Times: Julian Assange launched an attack on the integrity of the Clinton Foundation with the latest intelligence report that says the organization had ties with Mexican drug cartel leader, Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán. Guzman, widely known as ‘El Chapo’, has an estimated net worth of $2 billion USD. He is currently incarcerated in a high-security Mexican prison and is in the process of being extradited to the United States.

MI6 REPORT: ISIS and McCain Exchanged “Dirty Sanchez” for Fake Trump Dossier

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A former MI6 official, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges that Sen. John McCain is the person responsible for giving the FBI the discredited "Golden Showers" Trump dossier, which was covered in The Guardian. This "leak" was met with a flurry of new accusations of secret stings wherein British spooks note he exchanged a "dirty Sanchez" with BuzzFeed editor and lover Ben Smith. The slang refers to a most unwholesome sex act where a partner having anal sex removes his penis from the anus and smears his lover's lip with feces and semen.

MTV’s “Dear White Guy” Taken to an Extreme in Chicago

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Chicago police said Wednesday night that four teens are being held and questioned in connection with a Facebook Live video showing a group of people beating and cutting a special needs teen who appeared bound and gagged as they shouted “F--- Donald Trump.” Chicago Police Supt. Eddie Johnson called the video a "brutal act" that was "broadcast for the entire world to see." As of January 9, 2017, all attackers are over 18, presently held without bail and charged with a hate crime.

BREAKING: Hillary Runs for President of Own Fan Club, Manages to Lose by Landslide

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"People hate me!"

Suicide Prevention Counselors Urge Don Lemon to Kill Himself

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"This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don't think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well."

Spy Agencies Reveal State Entity Who Most Influenced Trump’s Win

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"It was this moron," said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. "That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn't tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists... The media narrative is that if only people didn't know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It's as asinine as saying that if only people didn't know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you."

“Putin dropped me repeatedly at birth,” Hacked DNC Emails with “Axe”

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Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won't go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction. She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth. "This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future."

Pulitzer Prize Began With Fake News, Which Gave Us WWI

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How ironic that one of the most coveted prizes in literature and journalism comes from the guy that started fake news, indeed, news so fake and dangerous it got us into war with Spain and World War I, Joseph Pulitzer. Back then, however, they called it yellow journalism. It used to be journalism majors were taught this was something you were never supposed to do.

Bernie Lost His Street Cred

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The only people that actually believe the Russians hacked our election are the same geniuses that spray their laptops with Lysol so they won't get a virus. And here they are, in high office, taking the word of a butt hurt sore loser that unleashed a string of lies blaming her election loss on the Bernie Bros, racists, xenophobes, Alex Jones, James Comey, Obama, a biased pro-Trump media, Facebook, fake news, and now Putin. If you're over 10 and cannot see the pattern of unending falsehood consistent with a pathological liar who not only insults your intelligence but flings it down and stomps upon it, please limit your grandiloquent opining to the kiddie table, this is grown-up talk.

BREAKING: Beached Blue Whale Identified as Lena Dunham

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After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.'” This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.” Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs. At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.

The Most Influential Fake News Throughout History

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Fake news is yellow journalism. Look it up. Now ask yourself: who promulgates yellow journalism, if not the mainstream establishment press?

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