But it's still unwatchable.
A former MI6 official, who wishes to remain anonymous, alleges that Sen. John McCain is the person responsible for giving the FBI the discredited "Golden Showers" Trump dossier, which was covered in The Guardian. This "leak" was met with a flurry of new accusations of secret stings wherein British spooks note he exchanged a "dirty Sanchez" with BuzzFeed editor and lover Ben Smith. The slang refers to a most unwholesome sex act where a partner having anal sex removes his penis from the anus and smears his lover's lip with feces and semen.
"This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don't think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well."
"It was this moron," said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. "That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn't tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists... The media narrative is that if only people didn't know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It's as asinine as saying that if only people didn't know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you."
Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won't go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction. She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth. "This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future."
After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.'” This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.” Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs. At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.
Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review: "U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’" And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee "Do you want fries with that?" inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde.
Citing an anonymous CIA source, twice failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton peed herself earlier today at a gathering laying out the true reasons for her loss. News later emerged that the Russians were somehow responsible for leaking the full contents of her bladder before she could finish her speech. This time Russian leader Vladimir "The Bladder Whisperer" Putin did take the blame and said her vesica, a double agent, was "always a faithful leaker."
Michael Moore, a morbidly obese millionaire and darling of media elites, was recently spotted stealing clothing from a homeless veteran while filming a documentary on his life as an anorexic pole dancer. "He said he'd give it back but he hasn't returned them," said a naked Rob Peterson, 54, shivering in the below zero temperature of Flint, Michigan. The wealthy 1 Percenter documentary media mogul has made rounds by focusing attention on Donald Trump while ignoring the polluted water scandal in the city (his hometown); this to avoid criticizing the present administration as millions are left to drink water with toxic levels of lead that has possibly killed and poisoned thousands of citizens, particularly children.
Dr. Pepe Le Frogg announced today that Hillary's alter personality has been identified as a Russian spy named Agent Govniuk, a self-destructive splinter of her psyche that loves to sabotage her life. Govniuk is Russian for a very naughty word, incidentally. This incredibly self-destructive alter, when in control, made sure she ran while under a criminal FBI investigation. It made sure she rigged the primary and sabotaged Bernie Sanders' campaign and lost his supporters when they found out. It was responsible for her calling half of Americans racist, deplorables, irredeemables, xenophobes, and sexists. Because "Agent Govniuk" blames everyone else for her mistakes, she cannot self-correct, so she continuously fails no matter how much she is assisted by political operatives and donors.
In a stunning display of rare introspection, pundit Rachel Maddow realized her own role in undermining the electoral process
An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today to blast the malicious and dangerous "fake news" that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win. "All of you who got my hopes up need to take the blame... Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. These burns on my lips, that's on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook."
After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. "He's appropriating a cultural heritage," cried CNN's Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. "It's dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions." Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow's election night tears.
Funk legend George Clinton announced plans to head a "Safe Space" college campus tour in 2017 to highlight the suffering of affluent kids traumatized by belief systems outside their world view. Here he is in rehearsal. DEVELOPING